"Well Raymond...........

 .......what do you reckon to my new household item trees?" "Well John they do not have a grill, a double oven or the flexibility of gas!" (in a french accent). "Tres Bon Raymond"

Lesser Known Extinct Birds of the World... No.2: The Cushing's Sparrow

This is number two in a series of the lesser known extinct birds of the world. Interestingly this bird's entire known existence is directly linked to its name sake the actor Peter Cushing. Although the only known population of this sparrow was rendered extinct in the late 1950's, a single specimen lived until 1994.

The Cushing’s Sparrow(Passer cushingi).Other names: Horror Sparrow

French: Le Cushing’s sparrow;
German: Das Cushing’s sparrow;
Spanish: El Gorrión de Cushing;
Chinese: 麻雀的Cushing’s.


Habits: The Cushing’s sparrow was so called as its entire known population of 5000 was discovered in, and confined to the back garden of 'Hammer Horror' star and keen birdwatcher Peter Cushing, at his home in Whitstable, Kent.


After buying his Whitstable home in 1957, and the discovery of the new species, Peter often used to feed these rare birds in his garden with dried blood and scraps of cheese, on which they thrived. They all became hand-tame and lost their fear of man. He once raised an injured sparrow and kept him as a pet, naming him Boris. Boris can be seen perched on his shoulder while playing Dr. Van Helsing during the Dracula movie in 1958.

Museum Specimens of Cushing's Sparrow

Downfall: Cushing's film career began in the late 1930’s, but it was only after his screen roles as Baron Frankenstein, in The Curse of Frankenstein in 1957 and as Van Helsing in Dracula, in 1958, when he rocketed to stardom. The sleepy seaside town of Whitstable was suddenly under siege with autograph and souvenir hunters, keen to see its adopted son.

One of the most popular souvenirs available in the gift shops of the day was the ‘Peter Cushing Cushion’. A tastefully designed satin cushion with the image of Peter Cushing on the front; unfortunately for the Cushing’s Sparrow these cushions were not pre-stuffed. Hoards of fans banged at the door of the besieged film star demanding an audience and some material to stuff their prized cushions. Cushing was so overwhelmed by this brouhaha that he fled his home and went into hiding. The seething mass of fans quickly captured the sparrows plucking them of their feathers to stuff their prized cushions, until not a one remained!

Only Peter's faithful pet sparrow Boris survived and lived to be the oldest sparrow ever known, at 37 years. Peter Cushing passed away in 1994 and the last Cushing’s sparrow died hours later and was buried with him.

The 'Peter Cushing Cushion', the only known case of soft furnishings

being directly implicated in the extinction of a species.

Court jester fined for jesting in court!

Medieval banquet re-enactment organiser and court jester Colin Effigy, appeared in Stevenage magistrates court today for non-payment of parking fines.

He protested that he should not pay fines for parking a hobby horse on double yellow lines! He danced around the dock in costume, quoting cryptic verse, riddles and rhyme, shaking his rattle in the magistrates face.

Magistrate Brian Eno was not amused and adjourned procedings; but not before charging Effigy with contempt of court and fining him £400 plus costs!

Effigy is said to be depressed, his wife Enid said "its a refreshing change!"
  

Lesser Known Extinct Birds of the World... No1: The Cork Grouse

We are all familiar with the expression 'dead as a Do Do' and many of us will also know of the fate of the Passenger Pigeon; both species long extinct at the hands of man.

This series looks at some of the many other species of bird to fall foul of mans appetite and short sightedness:

The Cork Grouse (Bonasa suber).Other names: The Waterproof Grouse

French: Le Cork Grouse;

German: Die Cork Grouse;

Spanish: El Urogallo Cork;

Chinese: 科克松鸡.

Habits: A once common species in wine growing regions of southern Europe. It was found in large family groups often around water. One of the most unusual facts about this small grouse is that it is the only known grouse species to swim in water; this is on account of its duck-like feather qualities. This remarkable quality lead to its local name of 'Waterproof Grouse' or in the Spanish....El urogallo impermeable!

Downfall: In the middle ages, in southern Europe, wine was the drink of choice for all social classes. Strangely the high demand for wine was to be the downfall of the Cork Grouse, in fact it was a victim of its own unusual properties... waterproofing!

Before the discovery of the cork oak tree, wine bottles and flagons were sealed with a variety of small dead animals. Once the waterproof properties of the Cork Grouse were realised its fate was sealed! They were slaughtered on mass....the last known Cork Grouse sealed wine bottle was presented to Henry VIII in 1546, only a year before his own demise.

                                           Le Cork Grouse

Farmers' leaders give thumbs up to send badgers into space!

In the United Kingdom the problem of bovine tuberculosis in cattle has often been put squarely at the door of the poor old badger!

Despite culling trials lasting eight years at a cost in excess of £100 million and results suggesting culling of badgers does not reduce the spread of TB; many farmers remain unconvinced!

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs(DEFRA)in association with NASA have come up with a novel solution......send badgers into space!!

The aptley named Professor Brockleorbit, project director,said "after years of research and lengthy discussions with stakeholders, we were left with two options: 1) Turn them all into shaving brushes or 2)Send them into space! Consultations with farmers' leaders resulted in 90% in favour of the latter.

Early talks with Gillette (the best a man can get)collapsed after

revelations that all British farmers have beards, and rarely use a shaving brush!

"Badgers are ideally suited for life in space" Brockleorbit explains....."Badgers will all be equiped with a five-year supply of peanut butter and worms in an 'on-demand' dispenser attached to a space helmet; badgers will float around in space until they find somewhere suitable to live. Badgers' natural propensity to go down holes will surely secure their survival. We are very excited about this, as we are predicting that we will be able to attach sensors to a sample of badgers,so we can record conditions inside mysterious blackholes"

He went on to say, that protests by animal welfare groups and some badgers are ill informed, as he has evidence that badgers are natural space explorers.

For example: Large numbers of badgers have been regularly recorded milling around outside the entrance to the Large Hadron Collider high energy particle accelerator near Geneva, on the Franco-Swiss border.

Brockleorbit reveals,that in preliminary trials, where an undisclosed number of badger clusters have been launched into space; they are already showing signs of establishing family groups and are all sett (see what I did there) to be masters of the universe!

 Satellite images are  startling........

Celebrities with Silly Names: Michael Bublé

Canadian crooner Michael Buble (Tee hee, sounds a bit like Bubble)has a silly name! Says 90,000 voters, in this weeks 'Who has a silly name?' competition run by Hello magazine.

Perhaps he is a reincarnation of Michael Jackson and his pet chimpanzee Bubbles all mixed up together chuckled a spokeswoman from Hello's sister magazine The Peoples Friend. Moving swiftly on...

Little do they know, but as well as having fantastic easy listening vocal capabilities, Buble is a devoted alien enthusiast.

Buble claims to have been present in the Hangar 18, Area 51, alien autopsy and stuff like that, in a previous life. The picture on the left shows Michael pointing at a UFO flying over a celeb-laden showbiz garden party at his Toronto mansion last Tuesday.

High-waisted trouser exponent and pop empresario Simon Cowell, said "don't be ridiculous!" "He's not one of mine anyway, so I don't care".

 

    Cowell what does he know!

But if proof were needed... take a look at Michael's 25th birthday cake!

 

 Look out for next weeks 'Celebrities with Silly Names' featuring Captain Beefheart, ha ha ha! I bet you can't wait!

Hartley Hare re-kindling backfires!

1970's childrens TV puppet and grotesque lagomorph Hartley Hare, was scheduled for a comeback. ITV had high hopes to re-kindle the Pipkins, originally created and directed by Micheal Jeans.

The first episode was to feature Hartley Hare on a camping trip to the Himalayas. While attempting to light the campfire by rubbing two sticks together during rehearsals, Hartley only managed to re-kindle his knackers, which were scorched beyond recognition!

ITV bosses said "its a real tradegy.... back in the seventies puppets were not made of fireproof material" "Hartley is beyond repair!". Pig, Topov, the crap cockney monkey (no relation), tortoise and Octavia the french ostrich were only mildly singed during the incident.

People living in the former Hartley's Jam Factory in London and the staff at Hartley Tool Hire of Lancaster were not available for comment.

Steve Harley of Cockney Rebel said "you're clutching at straws you are mate."


This bastard gave me nightmares when i was a wee monklet!

Steve Harley of Cockney Rebel who has a name similar to Hartley.

Five firemen in spontaneous combustion conundrum

News has just been released that five off duty Yorkshire firemen simultaneously spontaneously combusted in their own homes last week. According to chief fire officer Captain Flack, "all that was left of each of them was a pair of boots and a pile of ash; we are all completely shocked and mystified".

One victims widow, Mrs McGrew said "I thought I could smell something funny in the night" Mrs Cuthbert, another combustion widow, stated every cloud has a silver lining, as funeral expenses would be minimal. Mrs Dibble is still trying to come to terms with events, wanting answers to many questions; not least why her husband was wearing a pair of clown shoes at the time of the incident; but she admitted they were having money troubles.

Police, forensic experts and psychic investigators have been called in, in an attempt to solve the mystery.

Detectives have not ruled out foul play or that a crime may have been committed and are keeping an open mind. One passenger on a transatlantic flight this morning said he saw six canoeists, possibly en-route to Panama, former hideout of 'faked death canoeist' John Darwin. A police spokesman said "we would be looking for five men in canoes not six!" Although bright spark, investigating officer, constable McGarry, said "they could have had an accomplice and we may be looking for the "remains" of another "so called" spontaneous combustion victim.

 Local vicar Harry Dilley said "it was the Lord's revenge  for saving the lives of those who had been chosen to perish in house fires" He is now residing in hospital after two Mrs Pughes took offence to his comments!

Mr Grubb, a close colleague of the men said " one things for sure, role call will never be the same again": http://www.t-web.co.uk/flack1.wav

An artists impression of a fireman

MasterChef contestant drowns in vat of his own custard

UK MasterChef contestant, Byron Goldsmith, a plumber from North London, drowned in a vat of his own custard while taking part in last weeks contest. The unfortunate participant was apparently recovering from the shock of a 'near miss' incident involving a large quantity of rhubarb, when the tradegy happened.


A kitchen assistant, who witnessed the accident said " he was just leaning over to get his  hat", which apparently had fallen in during the earlier rhubarb fiasco.

John Torode and Greg Wallace, the UK presenters and judges of the popular TV show said "he had showed early promise, but in reality his custard was too thick!" His mother, who is still in a state of indifference, said "he has always been accident prone".


The contestants task was to cook a three course meal for 100 officers of the British Royal Artillery regiment, who were said to be "disappointed".